You got me thinking. I wasn’t sure how our session went yesterday, but my head was spinning so much about the different direction it went it, i didn’t realise the value until i had left.
For the first time since i started with you, we didn’t focus on the losses and the difficulties i am having with the pregnancies at work and seemingly with every one of my friends. We didn’t talk about how i can’t move away from my accumulated grief because each time i make progress there has been another life event, until it all merges into one and i don’t know what i have or have not grieved about. We looked ahead. That in itself was amazing.
A few things really resonated. You told me it was good that I am being assertive given that i am finally at a point where we just cannot handle trying “on our own” any longer: that these timed attempts are wearing us down, that the stick peeing novelty wore off some time back, that the forced pressures of “kissing and making up” or accidentally falling asleep when we were meant to do the deed last night left me in tears this morning, that there’s no more point scouring the internet for various master SMEP (sperm meets egg) plans. IVF has been brought forward and you agreed this is for the best.
You are medically trained in dealing with fertility, pregnancy losses and IVF. You asked a tonne of questions that i had not considered so I’m now preparing my list for the appointment (I already had this appointment in December, which was when IVF was due to start, had the ill fated third pregnancy (ectopic), not happened). You questioned how i felt about needles (i’m ok with it), hormones (no, not good), bloating (i can handle this), acne (please no), the procedures (concerned about pain management). You reassured me that there will be enough psychological hand holding through the process, that i will be able to break down the enormity of IVF into smaller, more manageable, bite sized chunks. If i get acne (yes i am aware this is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but i can’t help that it is a genuine dread caused by my teenage and adult acne), it doesn’t have to be all consuming. Acne for example, is only physical so i can reduce the impact by taking control of the emotional, behavioural and thought processes.
Most of all, you told me i can do this, because through your eyes and in your own words, I AM STRONG. I had only just felt a new level of acceptance about our journey that very morning, and perhaps i gave a nod of acknowledgement to my own strength. When i stop to consider what i’ve been through and how far Mr.T and I have come, i do feel pride. These are all acceptable things to feel and i am allowed to say it louder in celebration – I am PROUD, I am STRONG. You have seen me at my absolute lowest. You are fairly straight down the line, so to sit there and awaken me to my own strength meant the world. Thank you.
So, to all of the superwomen out there, each with our own battles, our own hopes and our own strengths; let it be known that I am strong, and so are you.