Have you ever thought how similar your journey might be do a totally dud, broken, outdated SatNav? It’s as though this journey represents the defunct Google Maps waiting for the software update – totally useless in the meantime, performing a U turn, taking wrong directions, hitting dead ends…wrong place, wrong time, wrong gadget hidden in a world of techy superiors. Is that me?!
For a long time now I’ve been the outdated plug-in and bulky sat nav, the one that can’t handle its own weight and that falls as the car twists and turns along it’s wonky journey whilst constantly longing to be the modern and nifty Waze that just gets carried on your funky iphone. The number of U-Turns I’ve been performing has driven me remarkably close to the destination I wasn’t intending to reach: Insanity. Not a nice place to arrive at. Ever in search of that catalogue dreamy paradise, where the bugaboo sand friendly wheels just slot on for a smooth beachside ride, I finally found myself at the glorious travel agency where hopes and dreams are fulfilled (aka the IVF clinic), only to be told that my fuel levels were all messed up (aka my thyroid) and the flight wouldn’t be going until petrol was refilled (aka taking daily medication to normalise my hypothyroid as a result of a Hashimotos diagnosis).
So I’ve since been driving blindly through the rain, hit another dead end, tried to restart the system, even took it for a group MOT – and then, finally, back to the travel agency we go, and this time they told me all about my travel itinerary and the immunisations I will be self-administering and even allowed me to leave with a travel pack! Finally, close to getting our boarding pass… just waiting on that small issue of the fuel shortage to resolve itself and then we should be up, up and away. Did I mention I have a fear of flying?!
Following? No, nor me. I wasn’t joking when I told you I’ve lost the plot! Let me put it another way…
My husband and I were in the “science makes a baby” lab last month, expecting to finally have the option to purchase our baby relatively soon (isn’t this how we all do it??), but my thyroid levels got flagged, I got pushed out the clinic, found my way to an Endocrinologist, got prodded and poked and blood tested a few more times, received a diagnosis of Hashimotos with a 7.72 TSH and a low BMI, prescribed a daily tablet and got told to WAIT and AVOID trying at all until my levels are in the 0-2.5 range. There have been tears and a negative pregnancy test since, which I’ve attempted to cushion by maintaining a focus on positive affirmations and daily mindfulness. I then met with the most amazing group of strong, inspiring and beautiful women who are also on their own hellish TTC / IVF paths, and realised that there are a few things, such as really being overwhelmed by the power and strength of those around me, that I am thankful for on this journey. It’s been a few weeks on the medication and I’m due for fresh bloods tonight and a review tomorrow but in the meantime, we went back to the IVF clinic and were given a party bag of goodies – mostly a bunch of injections – for the road ahead (oops, back to the sat nav analogy again…must try and steer clear of that).
This represents the start of a fresh journey – new sights, smells, tastes, languages, challenges, challenges, challenges. A new potential for joy (here is where I quieten my mind that automatically spins “joy” into “loss”). Please let us discover the beautiful destination we set out on such a long time ago. We are so tired of travelling now, having our goods stolen from us, being mentally and physically abused along the way…we just want to arrive at the destination, chuck out our bags full of dirty laundry and start afresh. We are so ready for this.