With my thyroid levels now in the right zone and with the security of IVF finally scheduled for the next cycle after a 6 month delay (given the emergency surgery and third pregnancy loss, healing time, admin, an unknown number of blood tests and then a Hashimotos diagnosis), I really did hope I could be that lucky-lastminute-miracle- natural-pregnancy story…but life doesn’t work like that and I just took another negative. So it is a No to finding out I am pregnant whilst on holiday which is a Yes to a huge gin and tonic today (I think this is allowed since I spend half my life eating and drinking as though I were pregnant anyway, either because I actually have been or just in case…) and a Yes to IVF.
I’m sad. Very sad it hasn’t worked. What feels like a small chance and a small hope each month always ends up to have been an overwhelming conviction once that negative makes itself known. I can’t help but think that being one tube down after the ectopic is adding so many complications – and I know the stats show it isn’t a 50% decrease because like “jellyfish the other tube can reach round”, but I’ve seemingly gone against every single stat out there so far anyway.
Following my Tara Brach “Radical Acceptance” course then I’ll name my emotions. It is pure fear. I am absolutely petrified of the road ahead. Scared of more hospitals, more delays, even scared of a delay allowing for another ‘natural cycle’, more doctors prodding and poking, scared of self injecting, scared of the drugs, of the endoscratch, scared of not producing enough eggs, scared that our embryos won’t be good enough, anxious about the two week wait…terrified of getting my hopes up…and then receiving a No.
So a downpour of RAIN on my sunny holiday emotions looks like this:
Allow: fear of disappointment
Investigate: easy right now as I’m in the midst of it anyway
Nurture: love, reassurance, kindness and a strong drink…