I was wearing simple loose “boyfriend” jeans, rolled up at the ends, some kind of flat trainers and a plain navy blue jumper. Our kitchen had old wooden flooring and my laptop was perched on the same kitchen table we have now, where I was working on something related to maternity Mindfulness for “Baby I Am Great”. I looked out through the glass bifolding doors onto open space and beautiful luscious green fields. We lived in the countryside, the pressures of our london lifestyle only adding to life’s challenges now long forgotten. I felt free. Moving with ease, gesturing with an air of lightness, shoulders relaxed. I was soft, calm and breezy. Nothing was extravagant, but life felt good. Normal. There was joy and noticeably, peace. Our two cats, George and Elsa, were roaming with their tiger like Bengal prowl. In the corner I saw children’s toys. Calm.
All of this made me cry. Not because life wasn’t good, but because at the end of my meditation visualisation of a 3-5 year projection ahead, I felt so intensely comforted by my future self. It was good to be around me, it was good to feel peace; but it only served to highlight all the pain and longing I feel right now. I could have stayed in that moment, wearing those basic jeans and navy jumper for a long time, because the weight that suddenly returned to my entire body at the end of this mindfulness challenge was heavy, and like I said, I burst into tears.
“Trust”, said my future self to my current self. “Let it go.”
So I will trust. I will try to let it go. I will try to find comfort from my future self and know that all those elements that made me feel so at peace still exist within me now. There will be light ahead.