I mean, i don’t get off on injecting myself, but at least each evening i can feel like i am pushing on through another day, another moment closer through this torturous journey – perhaps on my way to our miracle. I am certainly not a fan of my latest addition to my evening stomach spearing sessions, Menopur. The needle feels blunt, much like my attitude of late. I’m celebrating my first injection bruise right now and looking forward to another little ooze of blood this evening; i think i’ll add some Avril Levigne to tonight’s “getting high” playlist.
What i am trying to establish here, is that the challenge right now is not so much the physical side of things – albeit unpleasant and often painful. IVF is a psychological challenge, there is no doubt about it. I’ve been through a lot, so i’m not going to tell you this is my biggest life event and uphill struggle to date, and yet, without wanting to diminish the pain of the other experience (OK, i will be blunt – i am talking about death, specifically the death of my absolutely adored father, my rock) this is certainly up there…right up there, often side by side in a most unexpected and frighteningly dark way. This is a psychological mine field. Dodging left, right and centre. I actually was not prepared for this.
Mentally, i feel like i am on a football pitch wearing shoes that slip around in the wet weather and easily losing sight of the ball. What i need to be doing is tightening up the laces of my brand-spanking-new trainers and run ahead with the spikes on. I need to keep on the pitch, not off it. I am running a mental marathon, and i cannot quit, or lose my breath until i reach the end – hopefully with a prize in hand. The reason for the sports analogy is that i am the least sporty person out there, always the last person at school to be selected in netball, but never with any choice but to just get on with it. Actually, i lie, i was good at long distance running. On hearing that we are starting IVF, the usual response seems to be “oh that’s exciting”, but i don’t believe starting IVF is exciting. Perhaps for some people, but i don’t feel that way. I’ve come straight from one battle field where i was miserably defeated and i’m entering another, still carrying the wounds, scars and knowledge of the last. I am not fresh faced, full of energy and rearing to go – is anyone? Does anyone arrive at IVF feeling that way when we all have our own reasons for reaching this point, our own history, sadness, hopes and fears?
What i need is IVF. No, not IVF – i am talking about InVincible Focus. It’s about keeping my head in the bubble. Not letting family or friends (sorry) get in there, because the minute that bubble breaks on hearing any pregnancy announcements or comments that hurt, i am fully exposed and vulnerable. Right now, this is about me and my husband. We simply cannot afford to take any risks. Time to be selfish. I would never expect anyone to understand unless they had experienced this for themselves. We all handle things differently, but for me, it is absolutely all about keeping inside the tracks. I fell hard last week, hit rock bottom and felt all the hardness, pain, loss and panic over this journey. It is not a nice place to be in and it is always there – but it’s about adding layers above it, so that there’s something above to erode before i reach that state of raw pain. And, how will i do that? FOCUS. InVincible Focus.
Ideally i would meditate in a beautiful surrounding, with waterfalls and trees and beaches in sight, over a six month sabbatical. Failing that, i settle for some form of mindfulness in a crowded and rainy city, even at my desk surrounded by finance bods. But, even this has been too hard to achieve over the last week. I’ve learnt not to be hard on myself though – or rather, i am trying not to be. So, if i cannot even find space in my mind to meditate, then i have to breathe. Just remind myself to breathe. Close my eyes, breathe. Add an affirmation – breathe in, I CAN DO THIS, I REALLY CAN DO THIS, and breathe out. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Close my eyes at bedtime, let my last thought be a positive focus. Wake up, make my first thoughts be a positive focus. It is amazing how much power there is in all of this.
So my new mantra. IVF. InVincible Focus. Let’s do this.
Too powerful to be defeated or overcome. Indestructable. Unconquerable.